While I cannot really tell you how to build up self-esteem in someone who has little of it, I can describe ways in which self-esteem can be destroyed. Self-esteem is like almost anything that’s built; it’s far easier to demolish, than to construct. In fact, if you put your mind to it, I’m sure you could come up with some ways to do so.

If you want to shatter self-esteem in your kids, compare them to each other, often. Make sure that each hears how much better the others are. Add in a few occasional “You can’t do anything rights” just for good measure. Denigrate their achievements and play up their weaknesses (“So what if you can play piano! Can you do long division?”). Mothers, be sure remind your kids — as often as possible — that you carried them for 9 whole months, how long your labor was, and how having children ruined your lives.

If you want to shatter self-esteem in your spouse or significant other, tell him or her how much better off you’d be, if he or she had managed to land that better-paying job. Tell him or her you wish you’d never married or moved in with him or her. Keep tabs on him/her, constantly asking where s/he is going, and make frequent accusations of infidelity. Oh, and don’t be afraid to hit, punctuated after you’ve done so, with a “See? You made me do it!”

If you want to shatter self-esteem in your friends, make a big deal over how often (or rarely) they call. If they ask your help or advice, berate them for not being able to handle problems themselves. Make sure they know how much of a burden they are. Ask lots of favors of them, but never do anything in return. Never call or get in touch with them, except of course when you want something.

Sound familiar? Wonder if maybe you say or do some of these things? Well, we all do, even the best of us, from time to time. It’s human nature. In small amounts they’re not much of a problem. But keep in mind that these actions — if frequent enough — can take a toll on others, that might never be repaired.

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